The WEDDING...!!!

Statutory Warning - The story is not a fiction and any character resemblance in real life is purely intentional. The shadow of sarcasm used is purely imaginary ( thanks to the fake ipl player) and no harm is intended to anyone. In any case i do apologies if it goes against the sentiments of any of the readers .


Its a widely known fact that the best way to experience India is to travel along the length and breadth of the country in the mode of transport we all lovingly call The Indian Railways. Apparently some foreigner must have run out of cash to have to endure the gruesome experience of experiencing India this way. Be that as it may for most of us Indians, its not just another means of transportation but a way of life (If I might say so). Whatever be the destination every journey made in the train always has some story to tell. Ours began from the place we call Pune Junction. We were to travel to Bhopal to attend our colleagues’s ( its not a typo FYI) wedding. Yes 2 of our colleagues. And yes it was their marriage. A moment comes, but rarely in the life of a person when one is to attend a wedding from Groom’s as well as the Brides side and we were fortunate enuf to be blessed with it.

Our train was to depart at quarter to six and we were still waiting for one of our friends to join in (there were 5 of us and apparently only 4 had made to the stationary train). But as our dearest Dr.Murphy ( I don’t know if he really is a doctor but adding a doctor to the name gives more authenticity and the dude must be pretty smart to say whatever he said…anyways) so as our Dr. Murphy once said “ If anything can go wrong, it probably will go wrong” and this was just the beginning. Our 5th compatriot had lost her way (yes ..it was a she..!!) and was gallivanting around the station instead of just walking in to the train that was standing right in front of her eyes. And as luck would have she went straight into the hands of the TT( not literally….but u get the point..) who wudnt let her go unless she produces the ticket. The ticket she didn’t have and the same ticket that was in my bag, back in the train while I was on my way to find this lost soul. She was smart enough to ensure that the TT does not let her go no matter what and from that moment it was pretty evident that a verbal duel would be required to save the day. Much to my disappointment not much of that was required and a simple request did the trick. Its funny what amount of change can be brought in a person just by showing some humility fake or other-wise. And thus began our journey to BHOPAL.

Well I should have introduced us (the fantastic 5) much earlier but as they say better late than never. Well as you have guessed by now (…duh!) that on of them is a girl and in this story she is named Miss Clueless ( its my story and I have the right to give the names as well). This is me Mr Sarcasm/Screw-Up (actually I prefer the name – The heart break kid but that’s too much of a cliché and a bit too damn long..). There were 2more players here, one named Mr. Gentle Giant(GG), and the other Mr. Sloth for obvious reasons. Mr.Sloth was the only married man amongst us and his wife Mrs Coolhead S ( S standing for the husbands name as is tradition in India.) They were quite an unusual pair and many a times I did wonder how they got along. But the fact remains that they got along pretty well.

After all the hustle and tussle at the station the train finally left the station for its destination. Now it was time for us to prove it to the TT that we were indeed destined to travel in this very train seated exactly where we were. How is this done? Simple, just show the ticket. Well here unfolds drama part 2. Since we had booked the ticket online one of us supposedly had to show proof of identification while producing the tickets. Upon insistence from Mr S our Mr GG was all set to produce the piece of paper that would prove the confirmation of his existence. To everyone’s surprise ( Horror..!! is the right word here but it wud be a little exaggeration…) our GG’s name was not there in the ticket at all. Of all the 5 of us that were to travel, he was the only one who did not have his name in the ticket and yet was the first to show the proof that will prove us guilty of ticket-less travel and that too upon the insistence from Mr S. ( Apparently Mr. S had cancelled the wrong tickets a couple days ago…..and u were wondering why we call him Mr S……well now u know)….We all tried to act super cool and composed and thought that the hypothetical chill thus crated will eventually freeze him(the TT) from fining us. And as usual Mr S’s ( in case u r still wondering. its Mr Sloth) Plans were in ruins….we had to pay a hefty fine and had to verbally console each other saying that shit happens….but deep down inside we knew that we worked really hard to make this shit happen. ( If only GG had not shown the id card all wud have gone well…). Once we came back to our senses, accepting our defeat and stupidity in not being able to screw up the situation any further we resumed our journey.

The remaining part of the journey was more or less eventless ( and we thank god for that…cas the kind of events that were happening to us, we were determined to keep further ones from happening)….we just gambled our way to sleep with a touch of dumb-charade being our lullaby. I was almost about to close my eyes when our dear Miss Clueless suddenly came to senses and wanted to talk…..and we did talk for precisely three thousand six hundred seconds…..what did we talk abt…well that’s for us to know and for u to keep wondering. And thus we finally we reached BHOPAL..!!

It is sometimes said that India is such a vast country that it not only exists in large geographical proportions but also in multiple eras ( confused.!!..well that was the intention as well..) Here one can see two centuries living parallely in complete harmony. We have the 21st century technology co existing with the 19th century ideology and much more. This was the thought that came to my mind when we walked out of the station. We had a quite a long wait and hence I had a lot of time to stand and stare at ppl. The dressing especially of the younger generation was a neither ancient nor modern. It was a mix. Not an amalgamation of styles ( as the style gurus might put it ..) but rather a confused mixture of Halloween costumes…..( pretty much like Lindsey Lohan a couple of years a go…and by the was she is HOT..!). It was a very clean station( was pleasantly surprising. I must admit…) and out side there was this huge hoarding of a Former Indian movie star who will always remain a former Indian movie star…( Its said his single hand weighs 2.5 Kgs…I wonder if anybody was actually eccentric enuf to measure them)…this dude was posing with all his grace and style for an undergarment advertisement….(apparently in a country of 1 billion you can never run short of undies…) Our wait in the excruciating heat finally came to an end when we were finally picked up and dropped at a hotel where we were to stay put so that we don’t bring the whole city down…

After having our fill of a very tasty and complimentary breakfast we all retired back to our rooms to have some rest…..at least so I thought. It did not take long for the whole gang to assemble in our room (well there were 2 rooms…1 for ladies and 1 for gentlemen…or atleast so I thought again..). Miss Clueless was all geared by to do salsa…( apparently in Indian wedding there is a lot of dancing involved and she was planning on doing salsa… and she had learnt quite a few step by taking classes on weekends)…..so we had our round of salsa lessons for an hour where she tried to show the moves she had learnt and me as usual trying to show-off what I can do….and thus the afternoon was spent dancing….for once I was relaxed as I got to dance….but her(Miss Clueless) enthusiasm was admirable……and the remaining 3 ppl…well there were sitting and staring at the chaos that was unfolding in front of them.

Lunch was to be served at the Grooms place, and it was a long journey ( long not distance wise but relative time wise…..u see if u stand on a super heated stove one second feels like an hour….) The groom was all happy and jovial quite unaware of the trap that was being set for him ( his wedding). He seemed all set to take the “plunge” to the life of a married man (poor soul had no clue what was happening…like a chicken who was abt to be fried at KFC). We met all his family and friends. One of them in particular, was trying too hard to impress his presence by threatening the groom of revealing his nick names and wht not…well the attempts were quite pathetic and annoying even by my standards( my standards are pretty low and he had gone lower)….i wanted to tell him that our groom ( fondly known as Mr Bluffmaster) was ready to get married…and if that didn’t scare him( the groom) no amount of blackmail would.

Since we spent the afternoon with the Groom the evening slot was booked for the Bride. The ceremony that takes place at the brides place on the penultimate eve of the wedding is called “Sangeet - Sandhya”( meaning – musical eve). The function is dedicated to the bride and is conducted by her family to remind her how much they love her(or at least that’s wht I think)….The Sangeet was to begin at 6pm IST but it began at standard Indian Time that is 8.30pm…which is almost on time. Mean while the 3 guys from our group went for a small walk down the road. During some random discussion Mr S revealed a secret about himself….well he claimed that he is not in the habit of sleeping in the afternoon.( In our office he is a Lion….and mind u we do not call him that for his courage….not that he does not have courage…well he did marry so that shows a lot of courage….we call him Lion for a different reason…..Lions are known for sleeping almost 20-22 hrs a day and when they are not sleeping they are eating…..so now u get the picture)…well when we challenged him on his claim..he had a very simple and more or less true explanation….well according to him there is something about the ambience of our office that puts him to sleep…and I do agree to that…he is not the only one infected by that ambience….anyways back to the story….And so the Sangeet began at 8 30pm.

As usual I forgot to introduce the Bride. Well I wud call her Miss Talented ( Now its Mrs Talented). We call her that cas for starters she is a very talented person and secondly whatever she does she does really well…which is the first point again but in different words….It was not just her the whole family and friends(including us) of the Bride were very talented in the realm of music and dance something I consider my forte( apparently I am the only one who thinks so..but someday the world will know….anyways). There were various dance numbers and songs from different members of the family and a lot of crying was involved (crying is a very important part of almost all Indian functions especially the weddings). When it comes to celebration we were second to none either. We did our salsa that we( myself and Miss Clueless) had so rigorously practiced and stare-d ( the remaining three). Then there were general dance numbers ..like in open dance floors….I was very impressed by the enthusiasm of Mr.S and GG ….they quite literally rocked the floor …though I am quite sure they had no clue what they were doing….but the effort was commendable. And thus ended the penultimate day of the wedding…..


The D – DAY - Bluffmaster Weds the Talented ( almost a movie title)….

The wedding was to take place in 3 stages – Stage 1 – the engagement, Stage 2 – The reception and Stage 3 – the marriage.

The IST for first stage of the wedding was 12.30pm and it started more or less on time at around 2pm( we Indians are very punctual ppl and so we have 2 different time zones – the Indian Standard Time (IST) and the Standard Indian Time(SIT) the STI runs 2hrs behind IST. Anything on paper refers to IST but on ground its always SIT). So the groom was all dressed up and ready to engage(or to get engaged)….the bride was glittering and looking stunning a complete contrast to her expressions that reflected humility and shyness( sorry cudnt think of a better word)…..this was the simplest of the function. It didn’t take too long either. After the rings were exchanged and pictures clicked it was time for lunch…4pm to be precise.

The second stage was to start at 8pm also known as the “Baraat” – it’s a procession where the groom sits in a mare and arrives at the mandap where the marriage is to be solemnized. And as usual it was 9pm and we were still decorating the groom. The Mare-Guy (the handler of the horse) was constantly herding all of us. He (rather his horse) had another wedding to attend at 9pm and the procession had not started as yet. Sometimes I was wondering who was more important the groom or the horse as it turned for the baraat, more often than not it’s the horse. We quickly whisked the groom out of his room to the place where the all important stallion was stationed. ( u might have notices that I had suddenly changed the sex of the animal as I started with a mare and am continuing with a horse…that is cas symbolically it has to be a mare but for more practical reasons its usually a horse). We some how got our groom to sit on this 4 legged VIP and the precession began. Now this is another place where one can do any movement and call it dance and get away with it. If u want to see hands, legs and body move in random directions ( sometimes in rather impossible ways) and completely out of sync with the music….just see a Baraat. This one was not that bad for two reasons…1st we the one’s dancing and second people were moving in tune to the music most of the time. Somehow trotting and dancing we finally reached the destination where the reception was arranged. The most exiting part was the exchange of the garlands. When the bride came to put garland on the groom we lifted him 4 feet off the floor so that she cudnt reach him( and to teach her who was boss) but we grossly underestimated the power packed bodyguards that were following the bride, she went up higher in air and put the garland on our unsuspecting groom showing him right form the beginning that who is going to be the boss in the marriage and whose side will always be higher.

Now starts the most boring part of any marriage aka the reception. Firstly u will be photographed more than a million times. U will have to say hi and pretend to know people even though you might have never seen them and probably will never see them again. And u will have to smile no matter what for the complete duration so much so that ur face will refuse to give any other expression. After 4 gruesome hours of standing and posing with each and everyone in the universe when the reception finally got over the couple were taken for an exclusive photo session…..as if there wernt enuf photos taken already.


The third Stage of the marriage was to start at 1.00 am. And since we had some time to kill we reverted back to what we think we do best – Salsa. Mr and Mrs S tried their hand at the dance for the first time as a couple and I must say they were very impressive as beginners. Now that the bride and groom had had their photo session, we thought it was our turn and the cameras started clicking. Finally when the camera got bored of seeing the same faces over and over again it gave up and so did we. We still had some time to kill so Mr and Mrs S went for a quick nap (well the nap was quick …it was the waking up part that took them 6 hours) and go did our GG. Miss Clueless decided to give the bride some company and on my part I thought the groom also cud do with some Pj’s.

By 2.00 am the groom was all set and ready to finally enter the ritual that will culminate the marriage ceremony and that will officially make him give up his bachelorhood and give the bride her masters. Well almost…..but before he could loose his bachelorhood he had to loose his shoes which were to be stolen by the brides sisters to be later returned to him once a hefty bribe has been paid to them. And yes despite our cunning plans…they did steal the shoes..(not exactly steal but snatch it from our hands…..and I swear they cud have snatched it from the hands of a grizzly too if the situation demanded)

The remaining ceremony was surprisingly long with lots of pundits reciting various mantras and occasionally arguing with each other about the order of proceedings. Well their chanting and arguments had the same tone and most of us did not know which was which. Lets hope they chanted more than they argued (i guess in this case only God knew what happened). In any case He (our dear God Almighty) might have been pretty happy that the match that he had made was now formally being accepted (irrespective of the chaos that was taking place to make it happen). Once the ceremonies over and the hefty bribe paid the shoes were returned (it seemed that the Brides sisters weren’t very good at negotiating as our groom had the last laugh….i missed all of this due to a very urgent personal emergency…..earlier that night I had 2 glasses of water followed by 2 glasses of tea at around 4am…and so I was.. u know where ..!! )

The couple then goes to the bride’s mother to seek her blessing and she on her part tells her daughter on how to behave in the new house aka Sasuraal. And now begins the ceremony call Bidai where the girl formally leaves her house and goes to her In-laws. And what follows is a crying fest. As I had mentioned earlier, our bride was also very talented in the art of crying profusely. Well there were bucket full of tears everywhere with many relatives joining in. Apparently if all the tears were to be collected from all the weddings all over India, I seriously believe there wud never be any water shortage in this country. And that was the Culmination of the ceremonies and the wedding was officially over. Congratulations to the couple…!!!!!!


We somehow managed a couple of rooms for the day as our train was in the evening and we slept (or atleast tried to sleep) during the day with occasional visits to u know where…!! Courtesy the previous days eating or the lack of it. Our train was scheduled to arrive at 5.00pm IST and it arrived on time at 7.00pm. We boarded the train and managed to find our places without much complication. The tickets were shown and seats exchanged so that the 5 of us sat in the same compartment. We were joined by two more ppl we had met at the wedding and as the case was while going we gambled out way to sleep.
The connecting train to Pune was to leave Mumbai at 8.10am and we weren’t sure if we wud reach on time to catch the train. But thanks to Indian railways we managed to squeeze just in the nick of time to board the other train. Phew that was close…!! Mean while our dear little Miss Clueless used the power of her cranium to somehow arrange for a friend to pick her up at the Mumbai station and drive her back to Pune. Apparently she had her contingency ready and preferred to go by it rather that come with the remaining 4 of us on the train…I guess she had had enuf of us…and just for the record her plans to reach b4 the train didn’t work out either……but somehow we all managed to reach back in one piece…..phew…..and that’s THE END..!!